Things I Never Thought I'd Say

Now that the school year is over and I have had the chance to recover from my first year of teaching, I had time to consider all that I have said and done in this past year. The most incredible thing dawned on me: As a teacher I have said a lot of things that would sound totally, utterly, and completely psychotic. So, as a courtesy for all of you considering teaching, I have compiled a list of the weirdest, funniest, and absolutely most bizarre things that I have said to my students in this past year.

Ready for this? I promise you I'm not insane. Well, maybe I am...just a little bit, but that bears little relevance on the following things that I have said to my students. You may infer what you would like about the situations in which these statements were made, but be warned, if you judge me, I will totally judge you. I will judge you like Judge Judy judges the crazy lady who stole the fourth post in her neighbor's fence just to make a statement. Consider yourself warned.

Here they are, things that I never thought I would say as a teacher (most of them I never thought I would say at all):

- No, I don't want to see if your booger is bigger than his.

- You may not touch my face.

- I don't care if  he is warm, you can't sit on your buddy's lap during class.

- Stop sniffing her.

- No, I don't want to know what your feet smell like.

- Yes, that sitting too close. Sitting on someone's arm is too close.

- What do you mean his crotch is glowing? Put the phone away!

- I don't want to know about the mating rituals of zombies.

- Take the kitten out of your pocket and put it back outside.

- I will not make you a sandwich.

- No, you may not do a juicy fart contest.

- Stop trying to ride the sheep and get in here.

- Being a weapon of mass seduction is not against safe school policy, so, yes, you have to be here.

- Put the fish back in your locker.

- No cannibalism.

- No, having six pack abs doesn't mean you have an illegal substance at school.

- How did you get stuck in the window?

- I don't care if you are Batman, your homework is still due right now.

- Stop pretending to pole dance and write your essay.

- Quit taking pictures of me. I don't care if you are trying to capture the feeling of our class for your mom.

- Thank you, but I prefer not to use a wooden spoon for disciplinary measures.

- As nice as that sounds, I don't think hitting (insert student name here) with a cattle prod would solve anything.

- Don't you dare hog tie him!

- Get the space heater out of your locker. I don't care if it keeps your jacket warm, you're going to burn down the school.

And the piece d'resistance, the thing I never thought I would ever say in any circumstance, ever:

- Hold the llama.

If you've been teaching for years, you've probably said your fair share of insane things too. If you are just starting to get ready to teach, just think of all the things that you are going to say this coming year that will make you sound utterly and completely insane. Oh joys!